the things they don't talk about : by amy

warning: parts of this entry may be TMI for some readers.  read at your own risk.

There are a lot of things about pregnancy and birth that people just don't seem to talk about.  You only find out that these things are quite common after you start going through them yourself.  For example, I think at least 50% of women at my church have had at least one miscarriage.  Not just one, but AT LEAST one.  Turns out, trying to have a baby can be harder than it sounds from health class.  Yes, you can mechanically get the job done up front (or...wherever), but there is a timing element and then so many stages to go through before you're actually clinically pregnant.  

 
My OBGYN's office didn't even let me book an appointment until I was at least 4 weeks along b/c many times, the case can be a "chemical pregnancy," which is when you have a very early miscarriage.  You could have a positive pregnancy test b/c the test was able to detect the hormone levels that occurred when you conceived, but in reality, you've already miscarried.  I'm thankful that conception and delivering went pretty much according to plan for me.   

Another thing no one told me about was the recovery process.

The day I came home from the hospital, I put frozen dumplings on my swollen feet

I knew it took an extra few weeks to recover from a C-section which seemed obvious.  I had a vaginal birth and figured it would take maybe 2-3 weeks to heal since there was no major surgery involved.  I also walked out of the hospital gaining more than I did when I first walked in to give birth (and I gained nearly 40 pounds throughout my pregnancy)!  Due to the epidural/IVs, I had a LOT of fluid to lose, which meant lots of bathroom breaks (btw, do your kegels!!  Or you'll be hitting the head every hour!), but the act of sitting down was oh-so-painful!  I didn't know I was going to have to wear an ice pack down THERE with a super-thick-diaper-like-pad held in place with stretchy, mesh panties everyday.  I don't think I wore regular underwear for the first month.  I didn't know going to the bathroom would require a 4-step process: rinse, dab, spray antiseptic, replace hazel witch pads.  What the hell were hazel witch pads??  They sounded evil (but they're not.  They actually feel quite nice :)).  I didn't know that I'd probably have to sit on a donut most of the time (I had a 1st degree tear) and be sitting in a warm sitz bath over the toilet every night.  Why didn't anyone tell me these things??  Well, now YOU know.  This is what happens when something the size of a watermelon comes out of something the size of a lemon.

Lastly, the baby blues, aka post-partum depression (PPD): 

I thought I'd be the last person on earth to get PPD.  I'm usually a pretty upbeat and happy person-- Jean almost didn't want to be my friend b/c I supposedly smiled too much (yes, she really thought that!).  But after a day or two of being home from the hospital, I started to feel...depressed.  Burdened.  Sad.  I would cry for no real reason at all.  Sometimes the mere fleeting thought of my husband having to go to work the next day instantaneously brought tears to my eyes, leading to uncontrollable sobbing.  Nursing was excruciatingly painful the first couple of weeks while Logan learned to latch.  When my milk supply didn't seem to satisfy Logan, I felt like I wasn't meant to be a mother.  Everything just felt like it was too much for me to deal with.  I didn't want to see friends-- only my husband.  I didn't want him to return to work and leave me home alone for 10 hours with this "thing" that I was now responsible for.  Even my favorite foods and hobbies didn't interest me anymore.  All I wanted to do was sleep and veg, neither of which I had time to do.  It didn't make things better when my husband would say things like, "Don't tell me YOU have post-partum depression..."  So then, I didn't want to talk about it because he would look at me with that "oh my God, you're not DEPRESSED, are you??" look on his face.  I would tell myself, "I sort of miss my pre-baby life.  Gosh, I must be really that selfish.  I'm a horrible mother for feeling this way.  I should be overjoyed and experiencing an amazing, loving bond with my baby like everyone else.  What's wrong with me?"

So in order to get me out of my rut, I started tagging along with my husband when he went to class in NYC.  We ate at the Wholefoods and I walked around the neighborhood, got cupcakes at Billy's, or hung out at the Starbucks until my husband finished.  Nursing in public was a bit of a struggle but I eventually got the hang of it.  I looked forward to these days every week because we were (mostly) together as a family.   I felt a bit like my old self again wandering the streets, window shopping and munching on treats while wearing the baby in the carrier.

After about 2 months, the clouds finally broke for good.  My confidence as a mother grew and I started to experience that loving bond that people talked about.  Our 6am nursing session became one of my favorite times of the day.  I think my case of the baby blues was generally mild-- I never felt a desire to hurt my baby or myself.  When I shared my feelings with other veteran moms, I had realized that lots of moms experienced some type of baby blues, but no one seemed to talk much about it.  Meanwhile, here I am thinking, "Well no one else is talking about it, so I guess I'm the odd ball."

Well, I admit I still am generally a bit odd, but who isn't??  :-)