"Why Women Still Can't Have It All" : by jean

it's all the buzz!
ann-marie slaughter writes in the atlantic magazine's july/august issue talks about "why women still can't have it all."

it's a GREAT (long) article, but totally worth the long read.  here's some more buzz if you are interested:

• washington post: in the atlantic's cover story on why women still can't have it all, a quieter but more powerful takeaway
• boston: 'why women still can't have it all'-do you think this is true?
• nytimes: elite women put a new spin on work-life debate
• nytimes: talking about why women can't have it all
• forbes: women can't have it all, but maybe no one can
• huffingtonpost: why women shouldn't want to have it all
• huffingtonpost: why one woman reached the top, then left
• villagevoice: 'why women still can't have it all:' whats wrong with sticking a baby in a briefcase?

it's a loaded topic and seems to be the perfect post after amy's super-working-mom status (how coincidental!)

i got laid off around when miles was 2 months old.  i was getting nervous to go back to my day-to-day with miles in the equation but once i got the call, i was devastated.  i felt lost, hopeless, etc.  it didn't help that my hormones were still out of whack too!  i'm always the first to say my job doesn't define me but it does define a large part of who i am.  but for now, i have no choice but to be a SAHM, (stay-at-home-mom).

thank goodness for my mom who was staying with us at the time.  she constantly reminded me that maybe it's for the best.  i'll never get this time with miles again, and i know i'll find a job eventually.  her encouragement helped me truly be grateful for the extra time i was going to have by staying home.

i think highly of moms who choose to put a hold or leave their careers to be a SAHM, but i don't think that's me.  even if we could live off of one income, and as much as i don't want to miss any moments with miles, a part of me misses being back at work.  is it OK that i feel this way?  does it make me a worse mother that i don't want to be a SAHM?  (according to forbes.com, SAHMs should earn $115,000!! read about that here.)

in the end, i want it all.  i want the job that allows me to continue to be successful in my career, but i also want to be a great mom for miles.  i also want to go to yoga at least twice a week, have time to cook dinner, and do something creative for myself.  how can i have it all?  

i'm starting to realize more and more that you have to be able to sacrifice SOMETHING.  that "something" is different for everyone.  it's the career for some.  it's yoga for others ;).  for me, and for my life right now, i'm willing to sacrifice taking on the perfect job if it doesn't allow me to be home at a decent time to be with miles.  would i have still thought this if i hadn't gotten laid off?  probably not.  would i have thought this if i hadn't had miles?  definitely not (sorry, husband!).  i think everything happens for a reason.

and what about the dads?  (this may have to be a whole other post later on!)  do men think about all of this too once they have a baby?  or are we the only ones having all kinds of questions and thoughts in our heads?

slaughter writes:
Here I step onto treacherous ground, mined with stereotypes. From years of conversations and observations, however, I’ve come to believe that men and women respond quite differently when problems at home force them to recognize that their absence is hurting a child, or at least that their presence would likely help. I do not believe fathers love their children any less than mothers do, but men do seem more likely to choose their job at a cost to their family, while women seem more likely to  choose their family at a cost to their job. 

according to slaughter, it seems like we can't have it all because we are wired differently. we just can't help it.

what do you think?  can we be an umma AND an "etc." successfully?

super-working-mom status? : by amy

I have this personal view that if able, my husband and I should contribute to raising the family in equal ways.  So, when it comes to money, I don't feel comfortable if my husband is the only one working-- I feel like it it's too much of a burden for him to be the only one generating income.  I also feel guilty spending money if I'm not contributing to the income pool.  I know that may sound a little ridiculous.  Jean reminds me that husband/wife can have different roles in the family and the wife shouldn't feel guilty depending on the husband's income if she chooses to stay home w/the kids, but I don't want my husband to feel like it's only his responsibility to support us financially.  That's just me.

That being said, I always pictured myself as a working mom.  I can't say I really understand what a Stay At Home Mom's ("SAHM") life looks like.  My mom has worked full-time her entire life and had a home-cooked dinner on the table every night.  She also managed to chauffeur me to my violin lessons, orchestra rehearsals, gymnastics and ballet lessons (she later admitted she was thankful she only had one child).   Oh yeah, and she's an immigrant so she only had to leave her home country, become fluent in a new language, take board exams and find a job.  So, if she could do all this, what's my excuse?  This sums up how I view my mom today (though I can't say I felt this way before I had a kid!):

Do I want to be a super-working-mom?  Yes!  But motherhood has been a humbling experience.  I went back to work at 4 months.  Honestly, a part of me wanted to go back to work at 2 months because the office seemed like a vacation compared to what I was dealing with at home.  Being a SAHM is pretty hard!  Once I returned to work life got exponentially busier.  I was still breastfeeding, so I had to use the "wellness room" at work 2 times a day.

At least this lady had her own office!  The wellness room at work was shared with all pumping moms, so sometimes I'd go to pump but someone else is using it.  Getting up from my desk 2 times a day to pump (40-45 min. each session) was a total distraction and yielded less productivity (both milk and work).  Here was my schedule while I nursed/pumped:

5:30am: wake up and get ready for work
6:00am: wake up Logan and start nursing
7:00am: put everything in the car and one last diaper-change
7:15am: leave for babysitter's house (on MWF) or in-laws pick up Logan, or my mom sleeps over
7:50am: arrive at babysitter's house.  Play for 20 minutes.
8:15 - 4:30pm: work (pump at around 10am, 3pm); I work late on T/Th (daddy picks up Logan at in-laws' or relieves my mom of duty at home)
4:45pm: arrive at babysitter's house, discuss Logan's day
5:10pm: pick up Logan and go home
5:45pm: bath time
6:10pm: last bottle before sleeping (we always gave him formula for his last bottle)
6:30pm: Logan's bedtime
6:30 - 7:00pm: clean ridiculous amounts of pump parts, bottle parts, store milk, pack for next day
7:00 - 7:30pm: eat dinner
7:30 - 8:00pm: shower
8:00 - 8:45pm: pump, store milk, wash pump parts
9:00 - 9:20pm: FREE TIME
9:30pm: mommy's bed time

Needless to say, the schedule got a lot easier once I stopped nursing/pumping, which was at 7.5 months.  It also got easier once Logan started going to bed a little later (he goes to bed at 7:15-7:30pm now).  When I returned to work, the little time I had with Logan was the best :) (and still is!).  I feel like he is able to experience the best of me everyday, plus I feel more balance in my life, making me a happier mom/wife at home.  I wish I had a few extra hours with him each day, but I'm still happy with my current arrangement.  I sometimes feel like this in the morning:

I have to say that my managers have been really understanding throughout all this, which was a bit of a surprise.  I work in the finance industry, which means long hours and a male-dominated office.  The women in my office either have full time nannies or grown kids.  There were two other new moms ahead of me who didn't exactly have the best experiences, so I didn't have high expectations.  I'm thankful for being able to work full-time with a reasonable schedule, but I can't imagine what it will be like once I have another kid, or once Logan starts doing activities.  I'll tell you when I get there.  Maybe one day I'll achieve super-working-mom status!  I think I may be open to accepting super-part-time-working-mom status too...or maybe even regular super-mom status!  Just maybe!  We shall see.

How are you other working mamas doing it?

the world's most famous baby teething toy : by jean

meet sophie the giraffe!

Sophie the Giraffe Teether $20 @ amazon.com

but you already knew about her and most likely have one for your baby, right?  what makes this 7 inch natural rubber (phthalates free) so famous??  it stimulates each of the baby's senses: sight, hearing, taste, touch and smell.

i have to say, i was definitely a bit skeptical when my friends insisted i get this giraffe for my unborn child, but these days we don't leave the house withOUT her!  he loves sophie especially now since he's starting to master the grab and put-everything-in-your-mouth stage.  there's something about sophie that makes her so squeezable, lickable and bite-able more than any other "chew" toy.  is it her texture?  her long neck and grab-able head/face?  the rubbery feeling of her skin?  i just don't get it, but she works every time!

amy and i were recently at j.crew when logan was playing with sophie.  we were in the elevator with a man who recognized sophie right away and said "ahh he has soh-FEE!?"  he was clearly French. :)

here's an article from the wall street journal about sophie's journey from France to your home.
read about it here!

 miles & sophie                        logan & sophie

miles and logan both love sophie.  they both seem to enjoy taking her by the neck and biting her ears.  oh boys. :D

how many of you have sophie for your baby??
share with us a pic of your baby and sophie!  email us at umma.etc@gmail.com

A Letter to My Son on Father’s Day 2012 : by Logan's appa ("daddy")

[As a special Father's Day post, we are featuring a guest writer-- Logan's daddy!  Enjoy!]

Dear Logan:

August 24, 2011, marked the day that you became my son.  

We are about 10 months removed from your birthday, yet the images immediately following your birth are crystallized in my memory.  Your purple skin slowly fading into a painfully pasty complexion inherited from me.  Your skinny arms and chicken legs -- yet again, inherited from me -- trembling as they were exposed to a sub-par temperature in a hospital room that was not as familiar and toasty as Umma’s 98.6 degree womb.  Your wavy hair, bequeathed from your grandfather to me, then to you.  Your wide, bridgeless nose. 

Yes, you truly are my son.   

The sounds of your birthday still echo in my ears.  Your grandmother telling Umma “You did a great job, Amy.”  Background chatter from Dr. Robert Martin and the nursing staff as they recorded your vitals, which sounded like nothing more than white noise as I tuned into the only sound that I longed to hear for nine months: a pathetic cry from an infant as if to scream to anyone “Hold me!”  Before you were passed to Umma, I had the honor to hold you first, so I whispered to you “Hi, Logan, I’m your Appa and I love you.  I’m going to take care of you.”  

When you were born, I was determined to experience the gauntlet of raising you, even when my two-week leave from work ended.  When you cried every two hours in the night due to hunger or a dirty diaper, I got up with Umma to help feed and change you.  When you cried for reasons unknown, no matter how tired I was, I got up with Umma to attend to you.  I loved to tell you “Appa’s here.”  Yes, I had to go to work in three hours, but I refused to let work be an excuse for me to stay in bed.  I turned my responsibilities on their heads and put you first.  After all, why should Umma  have to get up by herself to take care of you?  You were my son, too.   

Fatigue manifested itself by way of bags under my eyes, heaviness in my body, sleeping behind the steering wheel on my way to work, and the yearning to sleep in my office.  A badge of honor for Fatherhood, I suppose.  

The true reward in being a father to you right now cannot be about knowing that you love me.  Do you even know that I am your Appa?  Probably not, but I know that I am your Appa, which gives me cause to do whatever I can to let you know that I am your Appa.  You will not remember when our sleepless nights rendered us in your room as we fed you.  You will not remember when Hurricane Irene robbed us of electricity and forced us to feed you in the dark with two candles on the floor, and how I almost burned down your room when I dropped a lit match on the rug.  You will not remember how we shamelessly sang to you in cartoon voices to stop you from crying.  You will not remember when you slept on my chest and how I had to sit still for hours on the sofa and gently breathe lest you wake up.  But I will.  I can tell you that in your most helpless state, I did whatever it took to make you comfortable.  I did whatever it took to show you how much I love you.

Soon enough my responsibilities to you will inevitably change.  I look forward to showing you how to love Umma, therein establishing a foundation to encourage and love your future wife.  I look forward to teaching you how to shoot a basketball with dizzying rotation; how to ride a carbon road bike with efficient cadence so that you can ultimately win the Tour de France; how to dice an onion or chiffonade basil leaves so that your culinary school instructor will marvel at your knife skills, resulting in Eric Ripert hiring you as Executive Chef at Le Bernardin; how to practice good posture when sitting in a chair; how to hold a pencil; and how to study and re-study.

I cringe for the day when I have to first discipline you, but I hope to do so with love so that you and I will be better for it.  I rue the day when you start dating, but I relish the conversations when I advise you on why girls are no good (that is, until you meet the one that Umma and I like).  In our failing US economy, there is a disquieting apprehension as to the rising cost of college tuition, but Umma and I will make ends meet so that we can afford to send you to the University of Michigan (or Pennsylvania, per Umma).

But for now, let me just hold you in my arms because one day you will be as tall and heavy as me.  Let me just sing “God is so good” to you as I put you to bed because one day you will insist that big boys can go to sleep by themselves.  Let me just conjugate your name in as many ways as possible in a high-pitched voice because one day you will think I am too corny.  Let me just kiss you and tell you how much I love you because one day you will think it is embarrassing.  Let my heart just melt when I walk into your room at 6:15 every morning to see you hopping in your crib smiling, waiting for us to come get you, because one day there will be a sign on your door that says “NO ADULTS ALLOWED!”  As your personality blossoms and as your recognition of me strengthens, let me just savor your smile as validation that you know me and that you can trust me because one day you, in turn, will give me a kiss and tell me “I love you, Appa.”

Just let me.

Logan, Father’s Day is not about celebrating the father as much as it is about celebrating who the father raises and how the child is raised over the years.  Father’s Day is not about my one day to accept an honorary or to pat myself on the back for doing what I have done thus far and for what I hope to do, so please refrain from buying me something so as to think that Father’s Day was a success.  Father’s Day is and will be a success because of you, who changed my life.  

August 24, 2011, marked the day that I became your father. 

boob sweat: by jean

yes, i said it. boob sweat.
i've never really had this problem until now.

the past few days have been a bit humid here on the east coast, and i'm scared of what's to come this summer.  at home, i stay away from wearing those lovely nursing pads as much as possible but in public, i stuff my bra with them because i know i will leak at some point.  it will soon get way too hot to wear pads under a bra, so for now i found a decent solution: get a lace bra with no padding (no, i'm not trying to be sexy).  i have one from the Gap, something similar to this below:

Rose lace convertible wireless bralette $29.99

i put my lansinoh nursing pad in the bra since this doesn't have any padding.  that way, there's at least a little less fabric! it makes me feel lighter than wearing my regular bra or a nursing bra and stuffing the nursing pads on top of that.

i also love my american apparel's interlock bra.

American Apparel interlock bra $10.00

i've had this since my pre-pregnancy days.  it's almost like wearing a thin tank/bra.  since its thin and not too tight, it expands with you as you "fill up" on breast milk without making you feel too suffocated.  if you are in need of more support, this is probably not the best solution but it will definitely be a lot cooler and lighter, which means minimal boob sweat!

for all the nursing/pumping ummas out there: how do YOU stay cool during the summer?

sleep, baby, sleep! : by amy

Sleep training is highly controversial (just like everything else with parenting).  Some people find it to be unnecessary and cruel.  Do you let the baby cry or not?  The books say he'll be more secure if you come to his rescue as soon as he makes a sound.  But every grandma and care provider will say you're spoiling him and that letting him cry teaches him to be independent.

Every mom is a little neurotic to something when it comes to child-rearing.  For me, it was the baby's sleep.  After doing my research, I decided that instilling healthy sleeping habits was one of the most important things I can do for my child.  I put it pretty far up there next to breastfeeding.  I firmly believe that a well-rested baby allows him to learn and function (for lack of a better word) optimally, resulting in a happier baby (not to mention, a happier umma!).

Logan was naturally a great night-time sleeper.  He was doing 8 hours at around 7 weeks and fell asleep pretty easily after his last feeding.  But, as many of you know, night time sleeping ability uses a different part of the brain than day-time napping ability.  He was terrible at day-time napping.  He would nap for maybe 20-30 minutes, 5-6 times a day and only if I held/rocked him or nursed him for a (really) long time.  Now that I look back on it, I don't think he ever really had good quality sleep during the day.  He would wake up as soon as I put him down, so I would just hold him awkwardly in the chair with my aching arms, unable to get any rest for myself.  I barely made it to the bathroom!  The days couldn't have gone by any slower.  I begged for my husband to come home early.  Baby cried.  I cried.  It got ugly.  Like this:

Baby cried.  I cried.

It (I) got ugly.

Then, a friend recommended this book:

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child- $16 at amazon.com

This book is horribly organized, and actually sort of stressed me out with all of the do's and don'ts, but the key is to do what you (as the umma) feel most comfortable doing.  I'll try to sum up his main points as succinctly as possible: Sleep has long-term effects on baby.  Well-rested baby = happy baby.  Know how to read your baby's sleepy signs.  Building healthy sleep habits = teaching baby to soothe himself without aid of bottle/pacifier/holding/rocking/car/stroller, etc., ultimately leading to better quality of rest.  Two widely-used techniques are Ferber and Cry-It-Out (CIO).

I was going back to work at 4 months, and I knew whoever was taking care of him would not be able to hold/rock him all the time, so something had to be done.  No baby has ever died from crying too much.  But he will probably have snot all over his face.  I let the kid cry for up to an hour (max. time recommended by the book) but he didn't fall asleep (and he had snot all over his face).  Point the finger-- I am the worst mother in the world for letting him cry for an hour, right?  It was somewhat of a traumatic experience for both of us, so I waited another 2 weeks and tried again, this time using the Ferber method.  He would just get more worked up each time I came in, so that didn't really work.  It was now approaching 3.5 months-- only 2 weeks left!  I tried CIO one more time, and after 40 long, hard minutes of staring at the red-lining baby monitor, he fell asleep by himself!  That was a turning point for both Logan and me.  Each day was a little bit easier than the last.  We zip him up in the sleepsack, plop him in the crib, crank up the mobile, wave/say "good night!" and close the door.  He babbles and jumps around for a bit, and then *silence.*  Seriously, it was kind of life-changing.  Knowing that he learned this important self-soothing skill made it SO much easier for me to return to work.  And go on dates with my husband.  And shower more frequently.  Seriously, life-changing. 

Today, Logan is a champion napper and sleeper.  He naps on average for 60-90 minutes, 2-3 times a day and sleeps about 11 hours at night with little or no fuss.  Since we started the sleep-training, both he and I have been much happier and less cranky :-).  The process was painful for both him and me, but seeing the long-term benefits (now at nearly 10 months) makes me believe that it was totally worth it. 

But, not everyday is a breeze.  Coincidentally, the day I draft this post is when Logan had an inexplicable meltdown at bedtime.  As Jean mentioned, just when you think you know the patterns, they change things up on you!

Oh well.

A happier and well-rested Logan!

Have you tried sleep training your baby?     

NEWS ALERT: Teething gels potentially fatal!?

Just a few days ago, the FDA just re-issued a warning about teething gels (specifically, the benzocaine in most teething gels), which are often used to relieve pain in teething babies.  The drug can cause a serious and sometimes deadly condition that reduces oxygen in the bloodstream.  Read the story here.

I had a tube of Orajel in my stash of baby supplies but never used it (and now never will!).  I always thought it was kinda weird to smear some stuff on the baby's gums, which are already so wet and drooly-- I mean, would it even stay on?  I'm pretty sure my baby would just lick/suck that stuff right off.

It's always scary when these warnings come out.  Wouldn't you think that companies who are in the business of making substances that are just for babies would do thorough due diligence on the possible effects?  Like, oh, i don't know, death!?  I know there are risks with everything, but it can't be good with the FDA issues a warning about your product being potentially fatal in small children!  eek.

PS: Orajel also has a non-benzocaine version of their teething gel:

babies are harder to figure out than girls : by jean

(disclaimer to all editors, writers, english majors: i'm really not a big fan of caps. so please excuse as i write in all lowercase. don't judge!)

yes, they are.
at least with girls, they know what they want but they just don't want to tell you -- you need to figure it out. sorry ladies, but that's kinda true sometimes...isn't it? :p

when it comes to babies, not only can they not communicate clearly with us, but sometimes it seems like they don't even know what they want!

are you tired?  ok, take a nap.
still crying?  maybe you're hungry?  ok, drink up.
no?  you want the pacifier instead?  ok, here.
no, not that either?  back to the bottle?  fine.
what?! you just want to suck your fingers instead?

it's sometimes so hard to figure him out!
you think you know, and then he throws a curveball!

i recently started reading the book "bringing up bebe"

bringing up bebe $16 @ barnes and noble

the book is about the author's journey as an american mother in france and observes the way the french raises children.

i started to laugh out loud when she talked about going on the "is it safe" column on babycenter.com.  i don't know about you, but within a few weeks of finding out that i was pregnant, that column was bookmarked on my computer at work, home, and on my phone! i was constantly looking up "is it safe?"

so far, the book is a fun read with some tips that i think can work for miles.  i think the part about understanding your baby's rhythm was a great point.  so many times i hear or read about these methods that can work for my baby.  sometimes i'm too eager to try them out without observing and figuring out my baby's rhythm first.  when amy told me that logan was sleeping on his own early on, i was ready to try it with miles when he was around 8 weeks old.  um, FAIL!  it did not go well. he cried for over 30 mins, turning purple, tears, snot coming out, and i thought he was going to pop a blood vessel from screaming/crying.  i recently tried it again (2 months later), and it's been going great! i now realize that even though I was ready for him to do it on his own when he was 8 weeks old, he wasn't  (lots more on sleep coming up later).

so in some ways, figuring out a baby is like going on a first date with a girl and trying to figure her out.

do you want me to walk you home? you're ok? oh its close by? ok then.
wait, are you really ok or am i supposed to still walk you home?....
you're really, REALLY ok? ok great.
good night.
(we all know the guy should still have walked her home. duh.)

there's a great quote at the end of the NYTimes book review:

"In the end, do the French do it better than Americans? Giving birth and raising children is messy and confusing in any society. It’s perpetual trial and error — whether in France or in the United States. Unlike a car, a baby doesn’t come with a user’s manual."

this is what amy and i say all the time.  why can't there be ONE manual that works for ALL babies?
:)

have you read "bringing up bebe"?
what did you think?

from teething to biscuiting : by amy

Fortunately for Logan, teething hasn't been so terrible as some moms have described it to be.  His mouth was a drool hydrant for awhile, and he had a very runny nose and a mild fever before the first tooth surfaced.  We went through stacks of bibs and tied one of these suckers onto his car seat/stroller:

green sprouts Cool Soothing Teether

Stick it in the freezer/fridge to keep cool, which not only provides teething relief, but also makes it a better toy for the hot summer days!  Miles has one too!

Then, we started solids.  He's mastered the purees but isn't much of a chewer just yet.  We've been giving him pizza crusts and Earth's Best whole wheat teething biscuits to strengthen his jaw muscles, but here is the king of teething biscuits:

Baby Mash teething biscuits

Founder, Molly McDonald, and her cutie patootie, Maren

Baby Mash was born in Brooklyn, NY by Molly McDonald, a dear friend to my sister-in-law.  You may have seen her biscuits in the recent DailyCandy article, Grub Street NY article or Wall Street Journal blurb.  Yes, all of the articles mention that she's the wife of this chef, blah blah blah (no offense to Brad...whose restaurant I we ate at this past weekend!), but come on, the real star here is Molly!  She's an umma who realized there had to be more than pizza crusts, stale bagels and sugar-filled teething biscuits for a baby to gnaw on.  Baby Mash rings are organic, dairy/soy/gluten-free and jam-packed with whole grains, fruits and vegetables.  Their chunky textures make it fun for babies to hold, and they stand up pretty darn well to those drooly mouths.  They currently come in three scrumptious flavors:  Stewed Apple & Oat, Banana & Oat, and Pumpkin & Oat (this one smells like Thanksgiving!)  You can purchase Baby Mash through her website, or if you're a local, look for her at Brooklyn's Smorgasburg!