separation : by jean

I'm sitting in a cafe enjoying an iced coffee and a chocolate croissant waiting for 5 o'clock to come around.  Miles is at his new daycare center for 2 hours today before starting full time next week.  It's a weird feeling to be by myself without Miles, waiting for time to go by instead of racing home.

I got a job.  Well, two jobs.  One is a freelance gig that will last for 5 weeks, 4 days a week.  Another is a part time gig that will for now be 1 day a week for the first 5 weeks and then become 2-3 days a week thereafter.  Eventually it will turn into a full time position, which means I will be a legit full-time working mom and no longer be collecting unemployment (read about Amy's experience and about that article!).

I went in for the interviews on Wednesday and got the good news on Thursday that I'd be starting on Monday.  I was so excited but terrified at the same time.  Daycare?  Nanny?  Nanny-share?  Yikes!  I immediately started calling around the daycare centers within a 5 block radius to our apartment.  I had already visited places before so I knew my top choices, but every place was full.  I even called places that were further away and not ideal, but I was desperate.  I started thinking about nanny-shares but knew I didn't really have enough time to set something up right away.  A friend of ours had a nanny that had watched a Miles a few times who was available but she was an expensive option.  I also wanted him to be with other kids so a private nanny wasn't necessarily the best solution for the long term.

I panicked.  I put up a posting on Park Slope Parents, a great resource for parents who live in Park Slope.  Someone (who now is my savior) gave me information about a daycare a little further away.  She told me it wasn't really advertised-- more of a word-of-mouth type of place. "Park Slope's best kept secret" is what she said.  The woman said she didn't have family nearby, so the daycare center became a part of her family.  She even had her daughter stay there for a few nights when she was in labor with her son.  I had to check it out.  When I walked inside, I felt like I was at a relative's house. Park Slope has a lot of home daycare centers where they rent an apartment to run a daycare center, but this was actually someone's home.  I met two other moms while I was there who came to pick up their daughters.  One had her daughter going there since she was 2 months old (and she is now 2 years old).  She said it was the best decision she ever made.  The caretakers were warm and friendly, and the kids were very happy.  The kids got hugs and kisses before they left.  I spoke to 3 moms, and they all used the same word: family.  That was reassuring.

So it's been about an hour since I dropped him off for his 2-hour stint.  I decided to call and check in.  They said he cried a few times but only for a minute and that he's ok right now.  He just prefers to be held at the moment.  I know he's in good hands and that he'll be fine, but man, it's nerve wrecking!  I'm not even nervous about the two new jobs I am starting next week because I'm so nervous about how Miles will be.   My friend says that's called parenting.   I guess I am really a parent.

By the time I publish this post, it will have been Day 3 for Miles at daycare.  Hopefully I will have survived!
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Update!  Today is Miles' third day at daycare.  I've been calling once a day just to check in.  He's been taking all of his naps, he plays really well, and he has adjusted really quickly so I have nothing to worry about.  I guess he's doing great, but it's been really sad only being able to see him for a couple of hours everyday.  This is constant struggle for working moms (and dads) everywhere. :(

It's been nice to go back to work and interact with adults, but it really sucks only being able to see Miles for a few hours a day  (Did I already say that?  Like just two sentences ago?  Yeah, I know.  It really sucks.)   Does it have to be this way?  Ugh!  Is there a profession where you can really balance work and life better?

Have you heard?  Yahoo! hired their new CEO.  She's 6 months pregnant.  It's a boy.  It'll be interesting to see how she will juggle her new role as a CEO-mom.

In the meantime, how do you moms (and dads) do it?  How do you balance it all?  Are you like me and look through your baby's pics and videos randomly throughout the day?

"Why Women Still Can't Have It All" : by jean

it's all the buzz!
ann-marie slaughter writes in the atlantic magazine's july/august issue talks about "why women still can't have it all."

it's a GREAT (long) article, but totally worth the long read.  here's some more buzz if you are interested:

• washington post: in the atlantic's cover story on why women still can't have it all, a quieter but more powerful takeaway
• boston: 'why women still can't have it all'-do you think this is true?
• nytimes: elite women put a new spin on work-life debate
• nytimes: talking about why women can't have it all
• forbes: women can't have it all, but maybe no one can
• huffingtonpost: why women shouldn't want to have it all
• huffingtonpost: why one woman reached the top, then left
• villagevoice: 'why women still can't have it all:' whats wrong with sticking a baby in a briefcase?

it's a loaded topic and seems to be the perfect post after amy's super-working-mom status (how coincidental!)

i got laid off around when miles was 2 months old.  i was getting nervous to go back to my day-to-day with miles in the equation but once i got the call, i was devastated.  i felt lost, hopeless, etc.  it didn't help that my hormones were still out of whack too!  i'm always the first to say my job doesn't define me but it does define a large part of who i am.  but for now, i have no choice but to be a SAHM, (stay-at-home-mom).

thank goodness for my mom who was staying with us at the time.  she constantly reminded me that maybe it's for the best.  i'll never get this time with miles again, and i know i'll find a job eventually.  her encouragement helped me truly be grateful for the extra time i was going to have by staying home.

i think highly of moms who choose to put a hold or leave their careers to be a SAHM, but i don't think that's me.  even if we could live off of one income, and as much as i don't want to miss any moments with miles, a part of me misses being back at work.  is it OK that i feel this way?  does it make me a worse mother that i don't want to be a SAHM?  (according to forbes.com, SAHMs should earn $115,000!! read about that here.)

in the end, i want it all.  i want the job that allows me to continue to be successful in my career, but i also want to be a great mom for miles.  i also want to go to yoga at least twice a week, have time to cook dinner, and do something creative for myself.  how can i have it all?  

i'm starting to realize more and more that you have to be able to sacrifice SOMETHING.  that "something" is different for everyone.  it's the career for some.  it's yoga for others ;).  for me, and for my life right now, i'm willing to sacrifice taking on the perfect job if it doesn't allow me to be home at a decent time to be with miles.  would i have still thought this if i hadn't gotten laid off?  probably not.  would i have thought this if i hadn't had miles?  definitely not (sorry, husband!).  i think everything happens for a reason.

and what about the dads?  (this may have to be a whole other post later on!)  do men think about all of this too once they have a baby?  or are we the only ones having all kinds of questions and thoughts in our heads?

slaughter writes:
Here I step onto treacherous ground, mined with stereotypes. From years of conversations and observations, however, I’ve come to believe that men and women respond quite differently when problems at home force them to recognize that their absence is hurting a child, or at least that their presence would likely help. I do not believe fathers love their children any less than mothers do, but men do seem more likely to choose their job at a cost to their family, while women seem more likely to  choose their family at a cost to their job. 

according to slaughter, it seems like we can't have it all because we are wired differently. we just can't help it.

what do you think?  can we be an umma AND an "etc." successfully?