Being a mom has made me become a little more reflective on my relationship with my own mom. As I mentioned in one of my first posts, my mom sacrificed a lot for me by being a full-time working mom, and I was and am extremely grateful for it. This was the way she expressed her love for me. She worked hard so that I could enjoy luxuries such as violin lessons, orchestra, gymnastics, ballet, Kumon (ugh) and "hakwon" (afterschool private studies, but hey, I met the love of my life there, so this was an invaluable investment!). I was able to go on great vacations and have nice things. Thanks, mom!
But, my relationship with my mom is far from perfect today. In fact, I think she failed in many ways as a parent (which is probably normal). I do not see her as a role model when it comes to parenting, but I think she's a great provider. Some of her failures are also a result of her cultural parenting style. She was rather Tiger-Mom-ish. She called me "stupid" many times to try to "encourage" me to do and be better. She was not gentle. She occasionally told me she "hated" me in her most irrational arguments and hot tempers. She never care about what I actually wanted to do in life. She didn't care about the lesson over the grades. Was it important to her that I was kind and generous to people? If "kind and generous" meant being a doctor, then yes. Otherwise, no. And, she once made me cry one Christmas morning when I was in the 7th grade because she didn't like the scarf that I got for her. WTF, mom.
These are the failures that I want to avoid when raising my own children. I want my children to know and feel that I love them EVERY DAY of their lives, even during their biggest disappointments. I do believe in tough love to a degree, but I don't want my kids to feel the way I did growing up-- never good enough. I want them to know that I appreciate and acknowledge their efforts, and I want them to keep striving for excellence in all that they do. I want to teach them and not just tell them. I want to emphasize the means and not just the end.
I'd like my children to see me more than just a provider of their material possessions, but I know I will make my own share of mistakes. I know the boys will one day (and I wish it would just be for one day!) "hate" me like how I "hated" my mom for pretty much all of high school...and during college breaks...and when she told me to turn Logan into a doctor (which happened last week). But God's grace is enough. I mean, look at me-- I think I came out OK! (at least my husband says so!)
I was wrestling with how to end this post, so I asked my husband for some editorial suggestions. The following was dictated by my husband:
Though my mom failed in certain aspects in raising me as her daughter, I can see her redeeming some of those past failures through her relationship with Logan. Perhaps it's because she doesn't bear the responsibility to raise Logan, which is why she takes advantage of the grandmother-grandson relationship, but I see my mom's unbridled love and adoration in Logan. The only way that I can find consolation in my own childhood is by seeing myself in Logan and believing that my mom is correcting her mistakes in raising me by just loving Logan.
While at this time, I cannot say that I whole-heartedly agree, I whole-heartedly hope that I can believe this.
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